im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
im calling her cock vulture from now on
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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