Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
