Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
