if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
