Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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