And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Girls should come with a carfax report
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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