I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Found your dick twin last night
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
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