no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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