Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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