Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize