Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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