That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
