I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
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