my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
