Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
