i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I accidentally burped into my bong.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
