You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize