Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
