Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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