I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
where are my eyebrows?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
