Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
