Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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