i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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