Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I think I sprained my soul last night
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Randomize