and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
