Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize
