Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
