do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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