I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
