What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
