2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
