I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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