why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I want to be your penis for a week.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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