The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
