Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
