omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Randomize
