I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
