New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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