you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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