this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
