whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
