im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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