Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
