The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
