i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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