What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
