I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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