Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
