I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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