I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
