We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
