we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
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