Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
