someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize